Tuesday, January 25, 2011


It's this feeling in the pit of my stomach. Or maybe it's in my chest. I can't tell. I just know I don't feel right. All day, something doesn't feel right. My neck is stiff and sore. I haven't been sleeping well.

I can't quite pinpoint when it starts. It just sort of sneaks up on me. Something doesn't feel right. I can't concentrate. I start something, a project, cleaning… anything… and after a few minutes I'm bored with it. I can't concentrate. I start something else. I don’t feel like doing that either. I sit on the couch, I turn on the TV. I change the channel. I change the channel again. I watch something for a few minutes, but as soon as a commercial comes on I have to change the channel. There's not a lot on anyways. There never is. Then it seems there are commercials on every channel I can tolerate watching. I pick up my laptop. No emails. I check Facebook. Nothing new. I check the blogs I frequent. I put my laptop down. I change the channel. Commercial. I pick my laptop up. What else can I look at? I check Facebook again. Nothing. I could check the Job Bank, but it's still too early in the day and there are no new postings. Or maybe there are, but there are only three and none of them apply to me. I change the channel again. I search the listings for something promising coming up… Nada. I check Facebook again. I don’t want to spend the whole day here, warming a seat on the couch and staring between my laptop and the television. I put the laptop down and shut off the TV. I turn on some music on my laptop. I change the artist. Too depressing. I change the artist again. I like this band. I look around the room for a project… something to do. I should finish the kitchen. I have paint to peel, holes to fill, walls to wash, then I can paint. That just sounds like too much. I don't even know where to start. It's silly really. Just start. But I can't. I just can't work myself up to it. I just don't want to.

I pick up my notepad, maybe I'll do some drawing. I stare at the blank page. I don't know what to draw. What do I feel like drawing? I don’t know. How do I feel? What could I draw? Something peaceful? I just don't know. It's like I feel nothing… Actually, I'm feeling quite tense all of a sudden. This song is really bugging me. I really like this band but it just doesn't feel right, right now. I close my eyes. I listen. I can feel it like a lump in my chest… I can't listen to this band. I don’t know what's wrong with it, I just can't. I turn off the music. I stare again at the blank page. I give up on this, too. I make a cup of tea (decaf of course.) Maybe I'll play my guitar… But I don't know what to play. I don't really know how to play anything. I don't know even where my books of music are. I could look something up, but what? What do I feel like playing? Nothing. I can't be bothered...

I've made the bed. I've done the laundry. I've had breakfast. Dishes are done. I can't start this kitchen work, not yet. I can't draw. I can't paint. Write? This is what I get… Gibberish. Whining. Complaining. Am I unhappy? Not really… So what's my problem?

I need a job. What will I do? Jobs here are slim pickings… Jobs everywhere are though, aren't they. What do I want to do? This is stupid. You have to do something, you can't just sit here, look what's happening to you! Now you're talking to yourself. Get a grip.

I tell myself tomorrow will be better.

I turn on the TV. I pick up my laptop. I keep my drawing pad beside me. I switch. I change the channel. I draw. I browse. I change the channel… I am slowly going crazy, 1-2-3-4-5-6, switch...

I really need to meet some people. I need some friends. I really need to get a job.

No comments:

Post a Comment