Anxiety

It's this feeling in the pit of my stomach. Or maybe it's in my chest. I can't tell. I just know I don't feel right. All day, something doesn't feel right. My neck is stiff and sore. I haven't been sleeping well.

I can't quite pinpoint when it starts. It just sort of sneaks up on me. Something doesn't feel right. I can't concentrate. I start something, a project, cleaning… anything… and after a few minutes I'm bored with it. I can't concentrate. I start something else. I don’t feel like doing that either. I sit on the couch, I turn on the TV. I change the channel. I change the channel again. I watch something for a few minutes, but as soon as a commercial comes on I have to change the channel. There's not a lot on anyways. There never is. Then it seems there are commercials on every channel I can tolerate watching. I pick up my laptop. No emails. I check Facebook. Nothing new. I check the blogs I frequent. I put my laptop down. I change the channel. Commercial. I pick my laptop up. What else can I look at? I check Facebook again. Nothing. I could check the Job Bank, but it's still too early in the day and there are no new postings. Or maybe there are, but there are only three and none of them apply to me. I change the channel again. I search the listings for something promising coming up… Nada. I check Facebook again. I don’t want to spend the whole day here, warming a seat on the couch and staring between my laptop and the television. I put the laptop down and shut off the TV. I turn on some music on my laptop. I change the artist. Too depressing. I change the artist again. I like this band. I look around the room for a project… something to do. I should finish the kitchen. I have paint to peel, holes to fill, walls to wash, then I can paint. That just sounds like too much. I don't even know where to start. It's silly really. Just start. But I can't. I just can't work myself up to it. I just don't want to.

I pick up my notepad, maybe I'll do some drawing. I stare at the blank page. I don't know what to draw. What do I feel like drawing? I don’t know. How do I feel? What could I draw? Something peaceful? I just don't know. It's like I feel nothing… Actually, I'm feeling quite tense all of a sudden. This song is really bugging me. I really like this band but it just doesn't feel right, right now. I close my eyes. I listen. I can feel it like a lump in my chest… I can't listen to this band. I don’t know what's wrong with it, I just can't. I turn off the music. I stare again at the blank page. I give up on this, too. I make a cup of tea (decaf of course.) Maybe I'll play my guitar… But I don't know what to play. I don't really know how to play anything. I don't know even where my books of music are. I could look something up, but what? What do I feel like playing? Nothing. I can't be bothered...

I've made the bed. I've done the laundry. I've had breakfast. Dishes are done. I can't start this kitchen work, not yet. I can't draw. I can't paint. Write? This is what I get… Gibberish. Whining. Complaining. Am I unhappy? Not really… So what's my problem?

I need a job. What will I do? Jobs here are slim pickings… Jobs everywhere are though, aren't they. What do I want to do? This is stupid. You have to do something, you can't just sit here, look what's happening to you! Now you're talking to yourself. Get a grip.

I tell myself tomorrow will be better.

I turn on the TV. I pick up my laptop. I keep my drawing pad beside me. I switch. I change the channel. I draw. I browse. I change the channel… I am slowly going crazy, 1-2-3-4-5-6, switch...

I really need to meet some people. I need some friends. I really need to get a job.

Lonely...

I've been really bored and lonely this past week.

Wait, in all fairness, we were very busy last weekend. I wasn't bored. But we were busy out with other people, and doing other things. And then Sunday I can't remember what we did, but I'm sure we were busy. Or Ian was.

Then Sunday night Ian went out. Then Monday Ian went to work. And Monday night he went out. And Tuesday he went to work. And Tuesday night he went out. Then Wednesday he went to work, and Wednesday night we talked about watching a movie, but then he went downstairs (something to do with a computer), and then he was on the phone (and there was no movie…) Then Thursday he went to work. And Thursday night he had to fix his sister's computer (downstairs.)... So finally it's Friday (almost.) But it's too late. I've already had my meltdown. Twice.

I'm lonely this week. I'm bored this week.

While Ian is at work, I wait for him to get home. I do the laundry, I tidy, I get dinner ready, all the while trying to think of things he would like me to do around here… I think about the things we need to do around the house together, and places we need to go on the weekend. If the opportunity to go out comes up, I do… But with no job, I have very little money to spend and going out seems a bit pointless. People say "Oh, how come you didn't get anything?" or "Well I'm sorry you didn't find anything…" and then I feel bad for saying I would go, just to get out...

Then Ian gets home, he eats the dinner, he usually does dishes (if I ask), and this week, he goes out. Or he goes downstairs to work on a computer.

I'd like him to say "No." Once, twice… He says he doesn’t want to have to do all this stuff. Or he doesn't want to do it right now. But other people want him to. So he does. And I sit here.

And after four days I feel a bit melty. And I melt. A bit. You know, the weepy "pay attention to me before I melt down…" drama before we crawl into bed…

And then, the next night, when the next computer finds it's way into his evening plans, I melt down. I feel like stomping. Like screaming. I'm crying, saying, "You have no idea what it feels like to be me, sitting here all day, every day!" He says of course he does, it must be very hard. But he doesn't. He goes out. A lot.

And is it his fault I have no job? Is it his fault I'm lonely? Is it his fault I'm bored? No, of course not.

But it's hard. He's the only one I have to talk to here. And he hasn't been here this week. And that's part of the problem. And when I told him so it failed to make a difference in his plans. And then I felt ignored, neglected, and utterly alone here…

But can he be held solely responsible for how I'm feeling? No.

This is an awfully big weight to place on his shoulders.

So what does a person do?

Lucky

I'm so lucky. Every day I think about how lucky I am.

My friend's mom just passed away. I still have my mom. I'm so lucky.

My sister called the other day. She said my mom had called her and now she should call me. At first I was worried. My initial thought was that something happened to my Grandmother. She hasn't been very well this year. I keep thinking I should call her, but something always comes up and I forget. So when I thought something might have happened I was very mad at myself for not calling, but then I know my Grandma would understand how life gets in the way. She always understands. Luckily, it had nothing to do with her and I can still call her. I will call her. I'm so lucky to have her.

My husband. I think the world of him, did you know that? Ask me about him and I'll gush. I don't like to brag or rub it in, but I'm really very lucky.

I don't have any children. Think that's unlucky? You may not understand this, but I have all my free time to myself. I can paint. I can clean, or not clean. If I'm sick, I can stay in bed. I can shower as long as I want. I can drink alcohol if I want. I can eat whatever I want for dinner, and take as much time as I want to prepare it. I don't have to go to soccer games, or appointments that aren't for me, or school meetings... I clean up after myself only (and sometimes my husband). I can spend my money on me if I want to. I can go out without worrying about a babysitter. Don't get me wrong, I love kids and would like to have my own. But not now. The older I get the more greedy I get with my time. I don't like doing things I don't want to do, and I don't have to do them. I'm very lucky. Selfish maybe. But lucky too.

On that note, I have time. I'm so lucky I've had the time to paint my house. I've had time to paint pictures. I've had time to sketch. I've been planning the renovation we'll one day do on our kitchen. I've had time to feel creative, and explore this creative side of myself. And at the end of the day, I don't have to pack it all up and hide it in a closet. I have space! What luck!

I have a house. Every day this house becomes more like home and I love it a little bit more. I'm so lucky.

I have food on my table. Not just Kraft Dinner. In fact, I don't even eat Kraft Dinner now. We can have very nice meals at home. I don't have to budget carefully to make sure we have food on the table every day... And we can go out to eat when we want. To nice restaurants if we want, or just for fast food. Or for $2.99 breakfast specials, my favourite..

I have a car. Every day my husband takes it to work and I'm stuck at home. But it's my car really. I could drive him to work if I really wanted.
I have good friends. I wouldn't say I have a lot of friends, but I have a few very good friends. They remember my birthday. They can tell when I'm having a bad day. They call just to check in. They understand me. I'm so lucky to have such great friends.

I thought this winter would be very difficult. I thought being so far away from my friends, my family, and the place I knew as home would be incredibly tough. I imagined I'd spend the winter depressed and feeling alone. But instead I've found myself counting my blessings every day, and being much more appreciative of what I do have. I've surprised myself. Instead of focusing on the negative, I can't get out of my head how lucky I have been. I'm so lucky!

Our Anniversary

Friday was our first wedding anniversary. We enjoyed a lovely dinner out at the Keg, with a view overlooking Niagara Falls.

I can't believe it's been over a year since we were married. It really feels like yesterday that we were enjoying a week in Mexico with some of our closest friends and family. We napped on the beach. We bobbed in the waves. We sipped margaritas. We ate nachos in the sunshine. We went to bed early. We slept in. We ate breakfast and dinner with our families, all together. We lounged together in the evenings by the lobby bar. We explored the jungle pathways. We snorkled. We got married. On the beach. In the sun.

We watched our wedding video on our anniversary. What a beautiful day. What beautiful people were with us that day.

We ate cupcakes from our wedding reception in Niagara Falls on our anniversary. We froze them, since we didn't have any wedding cake to enjoy on our first anniversary, we decided to save two cupcakes from our final reception. They were just as good as they were in July, but the colour ran in the fondant on one of the cupcakes for some reason and the pretty multi-coloured fondant flower became a flat pink fondant surface.

We made decaf coffee with a cinnamon stick. I highly recommend this. Just put half a cinnamon stick in your coffee filter, with the grinds. It's very yummy, if you like cinnamon. We had bought a bottle of a Mayan liquor (whose name escapes me at this time, which is fine, I never could say it properly) that tastes like licorice. We opened that, finally, a year later, and enjoyed it in our cinnamon coffee. It was like being transported back to Mexico. Only there was snow outside. I think, actually, our drink was better because there was snow outside.

We opened gifts. My mom sent flowers. Ian's sister brought over flowers and a card. Ian's parents gave us a Songbirds and Birdsongs calendar. We also had gifts for eachother, although we said we weren't going to get eachother anything. I gave Ian a picture I painted for him, the silhouette of two birds on a branch, with an orange sky.. He gave me a gift certificate for a manicure and pedicure. I'm so looking forward to it. And then, last night, Ian's parents came over with another gift for us. A lovely picture of us on our wedding, blown up, and made up of a thousand tiny pictures from our wedding and our Niagara Falls reception. It's really neat to look at. I'd take a picture and post it, but I really don't think that will do it justice.

We are so lucky.

The following night we had a lovely dinner at home of fresh bread with oil and balsamic vinegar for dipping, tortellini lasagna, and a bottle of red wine (which was a gift from Chris, Ian's best man, and his girlfriend Jaime.) And you know, I think that dinner was nicer than our dinner out. We polished off the whole bottle of wine, because we didn't have to worry about driving anywhere. We chatted for well over an hour. We sat at the table and talked, and talked, and talked, well after we were done eatting. It was lovely.

I really am lucky.

A New Year

I've done some reflecting on the last year, and for the first time in my life I was a bit sad to see the end of a year. 2010 was really an amazing year for us. We've had a lot of changes. We've gotten married in Mexico, witnessed the 2010 Olympics in Vancouver (I'd like to say participated, but that seems to suggest that we actually PLAY the sports involved, when we really just only watched them, visited the Torch, and wandered around the pavillions), we hosted some fantastic waffle events in our appartment, held two wedding receptions on opposite sides of the country, quit our jobs, drove across the country, lived with Ian's parents, Ian found a new job, bought a house, moved into our house, started painting our house, I've worked a few little jobs... It has been one fun-filled, adventure-packed year! Can 2011 even come close to competing with this one? I'm not sure if I've looking forward to a quieter year, or if the thought of not having some many preoccupations terrifies me! For the first time, I was sad to see a year end. This really has been an amazing year, and at the end of it I am very aware of how blessed I've been.

Firstly, Ian. I am so incredibly lucky to have found him. He's absolutely perfect, for me. He is so many things I am not. He helps me to be a better person, to be more like him. He teaches me to be calm and level-headed. He teaches me how not to swear when I stub my toe or something equally painful. He teaches me to be more forgiving and accepting. He teaches me to be less critical. He teaches me to be patient. He's hard working. He takes good care of me when I'm sick. He does the dishes and makes dinner if I ask. He'll even clean the bathroom and do the laundry. He's wonderful. He supports me when I'm not working, but he doesn't get mad or frustrated with me. He doesn't make me feel like I don't try hard enough. He makes me feel like everything I do is good enough. He makes me want to try harder, to work harder, and to be a better person. Every day he inspires me, just by being who he is. 2010 is the year we got married. Our one year anniversary is less than a week away. I can't believe how fast this time has flown. I can't believe how lucky I am to be with him.

We have a home. Our first house. We are slowly, but surely, making it our own, and making it feel like home. I've had a few warm-filled moments where I thought "this is home!" In two months, a few of these moments is a few more moments than I expected.

I have the most amazing friends and family, even if most of them are on the other side of the country. They love me so much, I can feel it here if I really try. We wrapped up the year at our house, in the company of two wonderful people who I am truely looking forward to getting to know better, and spending more time with; Ian's best man from our wedding, and childhood friend Chris, and his girlfriend, Jaime. On the first morning of the new year, we held the first Waffle breakfast even at our house with Chris, Jaime, and Ian's friend Danielle (well, she's my friend too, but this is so you're not confused into thinking I mean my sister Danielle). So 2010 has really been a year I've recognized my true friends, and the value of a good friend. Also, the importance of my family. I miss them incredibly. But I hope this theme of relationships, both friendships and family, extend into the new year, despite my distance from my "roots."

I'm not sure how any year will ever be able to compare to this incredible year.

Happy New Year!

Mexican Christmas Eve at our place - Feliz Navidad!

 Our first Waffle Saturday in Ontario, 2011.

Merry Christmas!

Well, once again, too much time has passed since I've posted. I've been really busy working (but tomorrow is my last shift! Phew!), and trying to finish up some things around the house as well. The living room is mostly finished, and is decorated for Christmas, complete with a tree!

We have Ian's family all coming for dinner on Christmas eve. We'll be celebrating a Mexican Christmas, with chili, enchiladas, fresh salsa, margaritas, etc! So we've been busy preparing for that. I spent one day making the chili and enchiladas, and freezing them. I spent yesterday doing some baking.

Meanwhile we've had a few more leaks, frozen windshield fluid, and our furnace died! Luckily, my father-in-law has been amazing, coming to our rescue on several occassions, and Ian has been very quick to learn how to fix things!!

Yesterday, while the furnace was out of commission, we borrowed electric heaters from Ian's parents. I was doing some baking in the kitchen, with one of the heaters on the floor, as much out of the way as I could get it, when I hopped over it. Somehow, I managed to kick the oven drawer with the side of my foot and have developed one heck of a nasty bruise on the side of my foot. It's swollen, looks like it might be blistering even, and the purple splotch wraps around, even under my foot! It's pretty gross. I'll include a picture in case you don't believe me!

Missing my friends and family incredibly right now. Can't say it's been a month free of break-downs, between that, work, the weather, the car, and the multitude of issues we've encountered around the house... It feels very overwhelming at times. But it passes. Life goes on. We've had a very exciting year, with a lot of big changes. It's a lot to adjust to I suppose. But we've been incredibly lucky and I am counting my blessings. Christmas is upon us and I am looking forward to spending it with my new husband, in our new home. We will be very lucky if the coming year brings even half as many blessings as this one has.
Wishing you and yours a very Merry Christmas and happy New Year!! I hope it's everything you wish it to be!!

Blog?!

It suddenly dawned on me last night that I haven't posted anything in.. I didn't even know how long! I almost can't remember how to log in! I haven't updated pictures, or progress, or even logged in to complain, gripe, and whine!!

So I guess now for a quick update, and my excuses. We have completed the main bathroom, dining room, and are in the final stages of finishing off the living room! All that's left to do on the main floor is to finish the hall and kitchen, and do the two spare bedrooms. We also have some touch-ups to do in the living room, and finishing touches such as the quarter round on the floor and the crown moulding. I haven't actually taken many pictures of the progress as I've been too busy working on making progress. I have been busy all day every day. I guess that's the way it is with renovating. I get up in the morning, drink my coffee and eat my cereal while trying not to get too much drywall dust in it. I change into my dirty work clothes. I work until lunch time when I find I'm absolutely starving. I eat a peanut butter and banana wrap (pretty much the only thing I can fathom making at this point of low blood sugar and ravenous hunger!), I get back to work until Ian gets home. At this point the remainder of my evening is determined by how much more we can do (like you can't do anymore if you just painted and have to wait for it to dry, but if you're sanding and filling holes it's a never ending process). So if there's lots more to do and I'm filthy dirty, I usually plead with Ian to make dinner and I keep working, so I don't have to get cleaned up (shower, clean clothes, etc.) in order to keep our dinner somewhat free of renovation extras. Then I will keep working until dinner, stop to eat, then get right back to work after dinner. I will work until I'm too tired to work anymore at which time I'll shower and maybe watch tv for a bit before bed. If there's not much I can keep working on after dinner, I'll have a shower and get dinner on. Then I try to spend some time relaxing, although usually this time is used for getting groceries, making another trip to Home Depot, or in the past few days, wrapping Christmas presents.

Last weekend was my 30th birthday. Ian took me out to dinner, we stayed in a hotel room overlooking the falls, had a very yummy buffet breakfast, did some shopping, then came home and painted for a few hours before Ian made a delicious French toast dinner followed by chocolate cupcakes with peanut butter icing.

On Tuesday I started my Christmas job. Tuesday was only yesterday. It feels like days and days ago already! I am completely exhausted. My legs hurt, my back hurts, my hands, wrists, arms, fingers... It all hurts. I had aches and pains every day from all the work I've been doing around here. My shins have become perma-bruised I think. But now I have standing around on concrete aches, and repetitive motion pains. They seem to be a bit different. So, it's now past the time I intended to go to bed, my eyes are slowly closing, and I will be working another 8 hour day tomorrow! I think I'll have to leave my whining at this for now and hopefully talk more about my job a little later, if I have time. I actually only have 3 days off between now and Christmas! Crazy!!!