Will you meet me for a coffee?

I could really use a coffee and a friend. Well, actually, it's the friend part I could really use. Not to say that Ian's family isn't great. But I'm missing my friends and family like crazy. Who will come visit me? I may even have a room for you! (More on this point later!)

Things I Like

With all my whining and complaining, you'd think I was really miserable here. I'm not. It's hard, but I'm not miserable. There are moments when I feel very sad, very frustrated, very useless, very displaced... But they're moments, and they pass...

So what do I like about this place?

Yesterday Ian and I went on an excellent hike on the Bruce Trail, near Queenston Heights. The sun was shining through the trees, lighting up the leaves a bright green. The wind on the branches sounded like a rushing river. We were walking along the top of the escarpment, with views through the tree branches, over the fields towards Niagara-on-the-Lake. There were wild flowers. Some satellite thing left from the Cold War. Limestone kilns that look like wells. An old quarry. Very nice walk.

I like getting to know Ian's family better. We've obviously spent a lot more time together recently, particularly Ian's mom and I. Spending all this extra time with someone really allows you to understand them better, and I've enjoyed that. Ian's mom is even teaching me some tole painting things. Maybe next I can get her to help me with my watercolour. I'm looking forward to spending more time with his sister, and getting to know her even better.

I like tomatoes fresh from the garden. Ian's mom has lots of tomatoes and there's nothing better than picking your dinner from the garden right before you eat it. We've had BLTs at least once a week since we've been here, and I love BLTs! We'll be having BLTs again tomorrow. I can't wait!

I like the Outlet mall. It's got good stores, and it's not even in the States! I've only been there twice this trip though. That's probably a good thing.

I like our proximity to the US. Good shopping. Not that I have money for shopping. But we could even just go over for dinner if we wanted. That's neat. Buffalo wings, coming up! Looking forward to cheaper hockey games in Buffalo, too!

I like that we're buying a house. Based only on Ian's income, we've been approved for a mortgage. The mortgage is big enough to buy a house, with a yard. In Vancouver, even with both of us working, we would never have been able to afford a house. Maybe in the suburbs.

I like that Ian's happy to be here. That's the most important thing.

Finding my place

Still no job. Nothing even good posted on Job Bank. Blah.

House hunting. Nothing good yet. Lots of options, but nothing's really felt right yet. Hopefully there will be some great new postings to choose from soon!

Trying to find little things I like here. Like a radio station. Have yet to find a radio station I really enjoy. I'm not sure how among all these huge cities around us I can't find anything on the radio that I really like! Seem to be a lot of stations that play top 40, top 20, you know, the same old songs every time you change the dial. Maybe it's time for Sirius or some other satellite radio... I miss my old stations! I miss the Peak from Vancouver and the End from Seattle... Those were my favourite stations. I guess I can still get them here on the internet.. but that's not the same when I'm in the car. That's when I listened to the radio the most. It's funny, I even miss the traffic station. You know, the one that plays all traffic reports all the time?? It's funny because I haven't even been driving here, nor have I been stuck in traffic. It's just that it's familiar I guess. I miss the familiar.

I miss my coffee shops. I miss my malls. I miss my lunch places. I miss my beaches, my walks, my bridges. I miss the light reflecting off all the windows downtown. I even miss my stuffy little 100 year old apartment. Mostly, I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss feeling like I belonged somewhere. My aunt-in-law said that she remembers feeling very displaced. That's a good description. I feel displaced. I'm not sure where or how I fit here yet.

I know this will pass and I will look back on it and it will all be worthwhile, but sometimes you feel very stranded in the moments...

Sharing

The hardest part about coming here has been having to share my husband. He's been all mine for 5 years. He went to work during the day (so did I), played badminton maybe two nights a week, and occasionally met up with friends... Otherwise, I had him all to myself, apart from the numerous trips here over the years. I had to share him a bit then. I've liked having him all to myself. When we came home from work we'd chat, cook dinner together, watch TV, fiddle on our computers, chat some more... Just across the room from each other. I could roll my eyes, gasp at the TV, growl and wave my fists when something was frustrating me, and he was there to notice. Sometimes we'd go for dinner with friends, or have people over for waffles, or have family stay from out of town. But mostly, it was just the two of us. We got to spend a lot of quality time together. Given that, maybe it's surprising we're still together. We've lived each other for 5 years. And I miss it.

It's sort of making me reconsider if I ever want children. I'm selfish that way. I've liked having him all to myself. It's been difficult getting use to sharing him. Now, when he gets home from work I barely get a hello. Today was better, today I got a hello kiss. But other days I'm just part of the crowd. On his first day at work we all sat around when he got home so he could tell us all about it together, and wouldn't have to repeat it. He sometimes sits downstairs, sometimes in the living room upstairs. I usually sit in the bedroom we're sleeping in so that my computer can be plugged in... or I read... It's not really my home here... I feel a bit like I'm hiding away... But I'm trying to stay out of the way. And I like my alone time. But for 5 years my alone time has included my husband. Suddenly my alone time is either really alone, or with 3 other people. He's been like a part of me. I miss him. It's funny how you can feel lonelier surrounded by people than you can when you're really on your own.

I know it's good to share, but do I have to??

Goosebumps and sun burns

Did you know it is possible to get a sun burn while you have goosebumps? It makes for an interesting, speckled sort of pattern along the edges of the burn.

We went to the beach yesterday, Ian's family, minus Ian. Poor Ian had to work.

They have security at the beach. They search your bags. I thought it was a bit stupid, but I guess some people like that.. I don't mind the armed gaurds patrolling the beach in Mexico, keeping us safe and free from annoyances... but this seemed a little ridiculous. Are animals and drunk people at the beach really such a big issue here? This is not like the beaches at home... Sometimes I feel worlds away.

The wind off the water was cold. I don't think it could have been any more than 20 degrees. I tried to take my sweater off, only to put it back on within about ten minutes. There is no way I could have sat there in a bathing suit. My bikini was disappointed, it hasn't seen nearly enough sun this year. So I sat in my shorts and sweatshirt, while everyone around me was in bathing suits, and I had goosebumps on my legs. Goosebumps. In August. At the beach. Ian's mom felt my legs and was surprised at how cold they were. Her's were hot she said. Maybe I'm cold blooded. I could be a lizard. I will be now. I have a sunburn on my poor goosebumpy legs. I should have known. Of course I know you can get a sunburn even in the cold. Like in the winter, when it's ten times worse because the sun reflects off the snow when you least expect it... Did I put on sunscreen before we went out? No, I usually put it on when we get there, so I can get a bit of sun on my pasty skin before I cover it up... But I was so chilly, the thought didn't even cross my mind. That and the sand was already stuck to my feet and ankles, from the lotion I used on them in the morning. Putting on sunscreen would have rubbed them raw. I never thought twice.

Until I got home. And saw the red stripes on my knees and thighs. I had had my legs crossed. I have slightly less pink lines where my legs covered eachother. Stupid. Nearly 30 and I still haven't learned to use sun screen every day. What was I thinking?

Suffocating

It's hot here today. And muggy. Wet, and rainy. My whole body feels heavy. A run is definitly needed but I find it hard to catch my breath just walking around the house this morning. The doors and windows are all open. To let some fresh air in I believe. Maybe it's cooler outside than it is in here. I just know I woke up finding it hard to breath. Uncomfortable. This bed is not the best, and I wake up eager to get out of it, but still tired and aching all over. Maybe I need to be busier during the day so I can sleep better. I'm getting bored now. We've been here nearly a month. I still don't feel at home. I feel like we're visiting here, still living out of suitcases, in a room that's not ours, sleeping in a bed we both dislike... I've woken up grumpy three days in a row, and it's not even PMS. I'm breaking out, and it's not due to an excessive amount of chocolate. I think stress is getting to me. It's hard to accept stress when you're not working, don't have many bills to pay, and seem to be having an extended vacation... But the stress is there, none the less, maybe for all of those same reasons.

We want a house. We've been pre-approved for a small mortgage, and a little goes a long way here if you're careful. But we won't rush into anything, Ian hasn't even started work yet, and I still don't even have a job. I should get a job, but the thought of tutoring just doesn't sit well with me. I don't want to do it. Right now, I don't even miss teaching. I don't miss the kids. I miss money. I think I need to try something new... But I don't know what to do.

I hate waiting. Waiting for something to happen, waiting for things to get going... It's all in the works, but I'm not a very patient person. I like to feel like I have control over things. I like to feel like I'm actively involved in getting things going. I feel like much of what I need to do right now is be patient. Think positive. Breath in. Breath out.

The past few days

On Thursday we spent the entire day waiting for our stuff to be delivered by the moving company. They originally said it would arrive by noon. It got here at about 5:20PM. To the storage site actually. But at least it got here. And after a thorough inspection of the boxes today, I am thrilled to report that only three items appear to be broken. I'm sad about those items though. One of them is my Scholastic teacher Blackboard mug. I had two of them, but got rid of one in Vancouver, thinking I don't need them both. But they're freebie things from Scholastic, and they were my school mugs, you know, the ones I kept in my drawer for the days I wanted tea! The other one was my special tea mug that my friend Bill gave me years ago. It's just the perfect size for a cup of tea! The last item I'm the saddest about. Happiness. We figured it would probably be Success, given the current state of things... But alas, it was Happiness, a clean break, right at the stem... That IS a bad sign. Maybe I can fix it?

Happiness and Success are the words written on my favourite wine glasses,
given to us from Lyn. I miss Lyn!!!

Friday we went to the Buffalo Zoo with Steph, Chris, and Spencer. My camera battery died about half-way through, if that, but Ian got some amazing pictures on his camera. Those pictures, sadly, are not included here.

Here are a few of my favourite critters, before my battery died...



Saturday we looked at several appartments. We wrapped the evening up down on Queen Street, listening to Guns'N Roses and Bob Marley tribute bands, and then we watched the ever fantastic "Back to the Future" outside, on the grass at City Hall! They even had a DeLorean on hand, complete with lights and a license plate that said "OUTATME". It was excellent!


On Sunday, we celebrated Waffle Sunday at Steph and Chris'. The waffles were fantastic, with peaches, raspberries, blackberries, and chocolate and cherry ice cream... Of course, the requisite syrup and whipped cream tied the whole thing together... Mmmm. I forgot to take a picture, as usual when it comes to waffles. I concentrate on eatting them.

Today, I turned in my BC drivers license, with my excellent, short, easy to remember number. I got a piece of paper with a huge long ridiculous number on it. I want my short number back. And, they wouldn't take my marriage certificate in Spanish, which we figured but thought we'd try. So I'll have to go back and change my name anyways. We're in the process of getting that translated this week.

We also went to the bank to see about a mortgage. Not sure what will happen with that. Will keep you posted.

Appartment hunting is not going particularly well. There are two apartments we could live with if we had to, so far, but nothing to "blog about"...

Aaaaand, finally, I had a job interview this morning at a tutoring place. The interview lasted about 5 minutes. I'm not holding my breath, and I forgot to ask what they pay. It was too fast. I wasn't sure what happened. I don't think it went badly, just fast.